Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
You Might Also Like
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no