I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*