Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon
God: yo I gotchu
God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*
Me: wait no
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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
It’s been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. “Good luck,” he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
God: *nods solemnly*
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.