@theconradical

Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no

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@AmishPornStar1

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

@SCbchbum

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

@impaulmccoy

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

@_NTFG_

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

@Thedudish

It’s been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. “Good luck,” he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

@BackrowSeats

It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.

@Abusitron

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

@MarfSalvador

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

@blade_funner

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.