A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?