ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.