My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.