Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I can’t stop watching this.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.