@david8hughes

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

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@mjkspeaks

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

@momsense_ensues

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

@Parentpains

Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can’t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.

@david8hughes

[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia

@Darlainky

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

@Lerky

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

@AngieDavisHaha

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

@hstweetheart

Me: I want a pet dragon!

Life: HERE’S A CAT WITH IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.

@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.