@david8hughes

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

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@GrantTanaka

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

@IntrepidDeviant

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

@SavoirFail

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

@jonnysun

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

@FrazzleMyGimp

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

@mommajessiec

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

@stephenjmolloy

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

@causticbob

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

@Cheeseboy22

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles