Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Your honor these allegations are
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great