Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can’t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me: I want a pet dragon!
Life: HERE’S A CAT WITH IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.