When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.