Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
waiter: what would you like to have?
me: bring a milkshake with two straws
me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me
Witch doctor? -reception
Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me
Please sit down.