ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.