ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
The Others (2001)
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover