Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
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Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable