Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
#parenting
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”