me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
😏😏😏
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning