@ObscureGent

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

@roostermustache

Me: can i play music

Funeral director: that’s not appropriate

Me: nana would’ve wanted it

Director: ok

CD player: someBODY once told me

@CodyJP9412

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

@pizzajaynow

When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

@eyeswidebutt

[hanging out w mob]
“Tony sleeps with the fishes”
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys

@HeelyHanson

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

@LlamaInaTux

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim