tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
me: yes a memorial would be good
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Me: can i play music
Funeral director: that’s not appropriate
Me: nana would’ve wanted it
CD player: someBODY once told me
Age gets better with wine
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[hanging out w mob]
“Tony sleeps with the fishes”
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys
What’s the downside of house arrest?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’
Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim