@PatsATweetin

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

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@jctwritesstuff

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

@Dawn_M_

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

@Henry_3000

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

@Eric_Bader

If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.

@AndyAsAdjective

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

@AndyAsAdjective

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

@Cheeseboy22

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

@badbanana

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

@markleggett

Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.

@notacroc

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob