*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther