Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.