@Pro_Jones_

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

- @Pro_Jones_

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@FatherWithTwins

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@hamersauce

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

@ipalatsky

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@ThugRaccoons

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@RidiculousSheri

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Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

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@FeelingEuphoric

“I am a gift to this earth.”

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@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?