Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
They’re really bad with fonts.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.