Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.