Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Spell check is for lasers.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I put the mess in domestic.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.