@eeethanford

Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin?
Friend: Yes, because Kevin’s friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides
Kevin: bro

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@SuperApple8

In my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

@Marlebean

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

@vrunt

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

@Gupton68

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

@BryMastas

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

@krisv_723

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

@MicheleAKALips

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.