there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.