Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
*weighs self after shaving
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Breaking news:
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.