me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

You Might Also Like


Rejected names for lumberjacks:


[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today


I’ll write a song about you! What’s your name?

Horse: Agamemnon

Agana.. Anga… ang..

🎵I went through the desert on a horse with no name


A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.


You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”


[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.


In 2009 we lost Michael Jackson. Now we lost Neil Armstrong. We are running out of moon walkers


Experts determine Super Bowl blackout was an electrical issue, also determine grass has a green issue.


[therapists office]
my wife: i have a fear of giants
me: she has f-
marriage counsellor:
my wife: don’t you dare say it
me: Feefiphobia