@iwearaonesie

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

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@DanielRCarrillo

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

@MattTheBrand

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

@inanimatecorpse

I’ll write a song about you! What’s your name?

Horse: Agamemnon

Agana.. Anga… ang..

🎵I went through the desert on a horse with no name

@ceejoyner

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

@simoncholland

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

@SardonicTart

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

@Griffinreborn

In 2009 we lost Michael Jackson. Now we lost Neil Armstrong. We are running out of moon walkers

@SprtsHumor

Experts determine Super Bowl blackout was an electrical issue, also determine grass has a green issue.

@oscarewilde

[therapists office]
my wife: i have a fear of giants
me: she has f-
marriage counsellor:
me:
my wife: don’t you dare say it
me: Feefiphobia