@ArfMeasures

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

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@SortaBad

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

@imasmartass37

A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.

@DillDoes

hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know

@Jen_says_nah

Spoiler alert for the lady in this line, repeatedly asking her newborn ‘what’s wrong?’ Its not gonna answer ya.

@simoncholland

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

@LizHackett

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

@rodimusprime

Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.

@bombscribe

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

@jake_lach

I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet

@House_Feminist

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King