Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
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A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know
Spoiler alert for the lady in this line, repeatedly asking her newborn ‘what’s wrong?’ Its not gonna answer ya.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King