Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
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Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks