Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
You Might Also Like
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.