Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
You Might Also Like
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Cheers Twitter.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.