@dave_cactus

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

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@TheMichaelRock

We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.

@PJTLynch

I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

@BigJDubz

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

@FlyJ_

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

@ArfMeasures

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

@waitressyoyo

If I drunk text you, please do not continue the conversation in the morning.

The sun is out. The birds are chirping. My common sense has returned. I’m now walking with the Lord.

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

@murrman5

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall