My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.