Always 🥴
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if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
the short answer to this question
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized