@Bad_Ass_Trucker

Me: Did you hear that?
Her: Go check it out
Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first
Her: You’ll be alright

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@Illuminati_Stop

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

@trevso_electric

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

@ericonederful

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

@IamEnidColeslaw

when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I’ll close my eyes and pretend he’s either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height

@panmidwest

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

@sock_holliday

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

@TheMichaelRock

I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.

@sixthformpoet

The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.