Me: Did you hear what I just said?

Him: Yes

Me: What did I say?

Him: Did you hear what I just said

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Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!


[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*


When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.


Why not just say you’re feeling thargic, don’t be all French about it


I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.


[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.


Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.



MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]


Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.


The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…