[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
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Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
(Gaming support cat.)
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.