Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink?

5yo: I don’t have poison on my fingers!

Me: But why did you….wait, what?

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If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear


[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU


A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.


The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.


I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.


when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away


Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself


[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.


My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.


Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.