(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads