@LindaInDisguise

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

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@WilliamAder

If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.

@AaronFullerton

Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”

@818Newbie

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

@FrazzleMyGimp

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

@DemonsDreaming

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

@Ngamsi_

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

@FrizerkaSandra

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@NoogsCorner

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@ericsshadow

COMMERCIAL:

[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]

Narrator: SHOES