Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
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me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*