If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
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Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]