ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
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the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer