Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
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Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
is this a threat
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
worst…sale…ever