@LorieGZ

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

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@PinkCamoTO

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

@juliussharpe

I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?

@NicCageMatch

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

@Conchvegas1

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

@jonnysun

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

@chagger73

Going down on a woman is the best.

The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…

@underchilde

If I tell you I’m “breaking out the fine china,” I just mean the expensive paper plates.

@Marcmywords2

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas