me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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me
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?