@DanMentos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

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@robfee

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

@HenpeckedHal

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

@Darlainky

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

@SJSchauer

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

@StevieKnip

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

@eyeswidebutt

[on phone]
mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it ‘pokey-man’

@Six_Pack_Mom

The husband & I just spent 20 minutes choosing the most awkward songs to load on his phone when driving our teen & her friends around, in case you wondered if there’s any magic left in marriage after kids.

@TheRealPiney

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

@OwensDamien

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’