@Sickayduh

Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?

Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend

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@stephenjmolloy

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

@MichaelTrying

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

@GrantTanaka

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

@sonictyrant

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?

Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”

Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

@adler_chris

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

@sonictyrant

[Invention of the bullet proof vest]

Me: just shoot me, it’s all good

*single gunshot*

Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

@RickAaron

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.