Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?
Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend
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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me: Siri, how do I look?
Siri: Well, at least you tried
[Invention of the bullet proof vest]
Me: just shoot me, it’s all good
Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.