What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Geez man, take it easy.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
😏😏😏
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh