Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE