Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
This is so me 😂😂
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.