I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…