Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
(Electricians.)
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
dutch so unserious
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
that wasn’t the question
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
adam and eve had first world problems
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”