@IceHuck

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

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@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”344496860775460864″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”122″;s:5:”tweet”;s:106:”I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@SCbchbum

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

@CAshmanActor

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

@VodkaTiem

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

@Amburglar_

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

@LizHackett

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

@SkinnerSteven

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

@YesNoSuper

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

@SabineDurrant

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie