Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
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Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon