@AmnesiaRose
According to WebMD, this hairy thing on my chest is a cat
@AshlingDennehy
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
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@AmnesiaRose
@Mr_Kapowski
[helping my kid with contractions]
Me: Would’ve
Her: Would have
M: Nice. I’ll
H: I will
M: Good. Won’t
H: Won not
M: Excellent
@dregvader
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.
@andrewfalloon
My Dad is recovering from an operation. Mum went out and left a door slightly ajar.
My parents do not have a cat.
@mommajessiec
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
@InternetHippo
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
@Ristolable
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
@robin_991
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
@metickleu
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
@Mr_Kapowski
ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason*dog park*
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob