@AshlingDennehy

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

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@YUCKYBOT

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

@SamPsychMeds

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

@roxiqt

Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman

@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

@iQuoteComedy

Final Destination 5″ …well someone doesn’t understand the meaning of “Final.”

@TitaniumToplass

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

@TheJK_Story

[First day as hitman]
ME: Don’t worry boss, I’ll deal with him accordionly.

BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly?

ME: *hides accordion* yes.

@Daveastated

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

@huntigula

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

@Dawn_M_

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.