@YUCKYBOT Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
@AshlingDennehy Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
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@YUCKYBOT 
@SamPsychMeds *toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
@roxiqt Date someone who:
• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman
@FU_TangClan Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
@iQuoteComedy Final Destination 5″ …well someone doesn’t understand the meaning of “Final.”
@TitaniumToplass I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
@TheJK_Story [First day as hitman]
ME: Don’t worry boss, I’ll deal with him accordionly.BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly?
ME: *hides accordion* yes.
@Daveastated Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
@huntigula [1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
@Dawn_M_ I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.