@AshlingDennehy

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

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@Mr_Kapowski

[helping my kid with contractions]

Me: Would’ve

Her: Would have

M: Nice. I’ll

H: I will

M: Good. Won’t

H: Won not

M: Excellent

@dregvader

A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

@andrewfalloon

My Dad is recovering from an operation. Mum went out and left a door slightly ajar.

My parents do not have a cat.

@mommajessiec

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

@InternetHippo

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

@Ristolable

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

@robin_991

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

@metickleu

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

@Mr_Kapowski

ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason

*dog park*
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob