Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Lmaoo 😂
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”