Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
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Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.
“You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late”
jokes on you im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what
Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn’t give them a progress report every week.
My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.