ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
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Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.