@UncleDuke1969

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

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@Cpin42

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

@notacroc

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

@RachelMComedy

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

@midwestern_ope

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

@librarianfonz

I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.

@TheHyyyype

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

@AllieA

I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.

@EvansPosts

“You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late”

jokes on you im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what

@noogscorner

Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn’t give them a progress report every week.

@thezachmaginnis

My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.