@Carbosly

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

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@TwatWaffler69

You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.

You don’t stand a chance.

@melissaFTW

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

@P0tterhead_394

I like when babies cry and you make the same noise as them, and they look at you like, “Wow. That’s annoying.” and you’re like, “I know.”

@ArfMeasures

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

@Cpin42

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

@tedtheboi

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

@duplicitron

Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.

@J0hnnyBlaze

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

@perfectsweeties

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes