Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled