@Carbosly

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

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@ChrisStokdyk

“PSST.”

It came from my waffles.

“PSST,” again.

“What?” I ask, furtively.

“You look really nice today.”

Complimentary Breakfast

@ElliotHetherton

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

@VisionBored1

When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult

@Home_Halfway

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

@Shock_Monster

How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.

@theames

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

@KeetPotato

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.