You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.
You don’t stand a chance.
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
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IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I like when babies cry and you make the same noise as them, and they look at you like, “Wow. That’s annoying.” and you’re like, “I know.”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
*gets a snack*
*turns on tv*
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes