Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace