me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.