Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

prepare for carbonated trouble

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.