me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
You Might Also Like
Travel bloggers during quarantine
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My work here is don’t.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I think this should do it.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
🤣🤣💀
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”