@thombodytolove

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

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@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

@scorpicpanda

When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it’s time to lay off the hard stuff.

@stephenjmolloy

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

@Megatronic13

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

@TheAndrewNadeau

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

@sixfootcandy

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

@SteveSuckington

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

@andylassner

So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?

@brookeisgolden

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.