me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol


me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.


When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it’s time to lay off the hard stuff.


“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”


[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable


ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.


Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.


[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”


So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?


Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.