Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”